Anguish

 

a world laid

between us

yet our love

paid no heed

scaling mountains

crossing rivers

crawling through time

unrelenting and unwilling

to dissolve

 

and now

we finally look

at the same sky

across the same lake

among the same city lights

the only barrier between us:

changing feelings

 

and I have known loss

mourning my fallen kin

raging at time’s march

an uncrossable barrier

stopping me from telling them

just one last time

how much I love them

only finding comfort

in communion with God

deep in prayer

 

but to have someone

choose to die to you

is a different sadness

for like phantoms

the dead

keep walking

 

how stupid I feel

to mourn and pray to a ghost

wondering what perfect words

would bring you back to life

back to my life

knowing full well that

even if I threw myself

at your feet

even if I gave you

my soul

even if I found

those perfect words

I can’t beg feelings

to return to one’s heart –

for I have tried
in an endless loop

reanacted

over and over

In the realms

of my dreams

so many

countless times

begging  for you

to love me

as you once did –

for a part of me

can’t forget

how tightly

you held my hand

how closly

you embraced me

how widely

you smiled at me –

and how now,

I am nothing to you.

 

and even if

I somehow reanimate you

we are doomed

to crumble again

yet knowing you walk your path

and I walk mine

but that they shall never cross again

knowing you exist

and I exist

but we shall never

numbers me

with the damned

 

having my liver picked at

again and again

rolling a boulder uphill

again and again

having acid dripped on my brow

again and again

 

to love someone

you fall apart with

yet to have them

permeate every corner

of your mind

leaving no thought untouched

while being yourself

merely a passing thought

in theirs

 

how tortured

I am

with

or without you

 

for I see you

in the way the stars glitter

in the way my dreams speak

in the most mundane things

scattered in the world

 

for like all the rivers

leading to the ocean

every thought I have

somehow leads back to you

 

Oh, my darling!

 

pool my agony and you will find a sea

for I am lost in the waves of my heart

longing for all I have lost